blind as a bat

i have 20-20 vision. 20-15 actually. i’ve never worn glasses – though i wish i did! in fact, i wanted them so badly in 3^rd grade that i pretended that i couldn’t see the chalkboard in class just so my parents would buy me glasses.  i mean…who didn’t want to look like this as a kid:

wait…i grew up in the 80s so i would’ve looked more like this:

 

anyway…it was a sad day because i didn’t know that they wouldn’t just go out and buy me some awesome glasses, but instead they took me to the eye doctor for an exam. alas…perfect vision and thus no glasses. but that is all a story for another day.

i have perfect vision – better than perfect….and yet today…. i feel as blind as a bat. there is a question we used to ask – and might still ask – on friday night of our encounter retreats at church: “what do you want Jesus to do for you?”. the question comes out of an amazing story in the gospels. i will take it out of matthew 20:

²⁹ as Jesus and his disciples were leaving jericho, a large crowd followed Him. ³⁰ two blind men were sitting by the roadside, and when they heard that Jesus was going by, they shouted, “Lord, son of david,^(ac) have mercy on us!”

³¹ the crowd rebuked them and told them to be quiet, but they shouted all the louder, “Lord, son of david, have mercy on us!”

³² Jesus stopped and called them. “what do you want me to do for you?” He asked.

³³ “Lord,” they answered, “we want our sight.”

³⁴ Jesus had compassion on them and touched their eyes. immediately they received their sight and followed Him.

i love that Jesus asks them (what seems to us) the most obvious, no-brainer question.  mark batterson in his book the circle maker says, “seriously? is that question even necessary? isn’t it obvious exactly what they wanted from Him? Jesus made them verbalize their desire. He made them spell it out, but it wasn’t because Jesus didn’t know what they wanted. He wanted to make sure they knew what they wanted.”

Jesus knew exactly what they wanted. we ask this question at the encounter, but i wonder why we only save it for the retreats. i think it would be wise if we asked ourselves this question more often. i mean, if Jesus were here right now and asked me what seems to be an “obvious” question for some: “jenny, what do you want me to do for you?”  i think i would sit, mouth agape and not be able to utter a sound.

the truth of it: i have no idea what i want Jesus to do for me.

i mean a million things, but what is the obvious answer? am i as blind as these guys in jericho were? let’s get real, if i had to spell it out they way Jesus made these blind guys, what would i really say? could i really declare what my dreams are, what miracles i need, what my vision for my future is? honestly….i  don’t think so. not as pointedly as they answer, “Lord, we want our sight.”

i try to put pen to paper about what my dreams are and to be honest…i come up empty. maybe not empty, but i definitely end up scratching things out over and over.

i don’t know what my dreams are…there i said it.

oh, my closest friends…they have dreams.  huge dreams! incredible visions! plans i can’t fathom in my own life:

dreams of publishing a novel or 2…or 10

amazing visions of preaching to thousands

plans of buying a one way ticket to the poorest, neediest place and being Jesus with skin on

i feel so small compared to these huge dreams.

right now, my dreams are so scattered. i have no need for glasses, and yet i have no vision. when thinking about what i want to “be when i grow up”. i always start with, “i could do a million different things…maybe i will ______.”

ugh!!!

i think i get so bogged down in my day to day that i forget to dream. maybe it is just that you have different dreams when you are in different seasons of your life. like right now, i dream of a house that we own instead of rent with walls we get to paint and rooms we get to decorate.  and by “we get to paint” i mean i’m paying someone else because i suck at painting. and by “we get to decorate” i mean shannon because i have no taste.  but i digress.

my dreams seem small to me right now. maybe the issue is: they don’t really qualify as dreams because they are attainable by me. maybe that is really the qualification of a God-given dream – it has to be so far out there that we can’t do it on our own. like the blind guys – they needed their sight. they wanted their sight. they probably talked about it all the time: “i wonder what it would be like to see my wife’s face.” “people talk about how gorgeous the sunset is. i wonder what that looks like.” etc. they needed it. wanted it. couldn’t get it. not without a miracle. not without Jesus.

that’s why when they heard that Jesus was going by, they forgot all about protocol and dignity. they knew there was something different about Him. they had probably heard rumors about healings and stories of what He had done. they knew He could give them. what was their response? they would not be quiet. they would not stop shouting – even after being rebuked – matthew says they shouted all the louder. these are guys that knew what they wanted and didn’t stop until they got it.

so the question remains for us…at least it does for me:

Jesus: jenny, what do you want me to do for you?

me: Lord, i want my sight. i want to have vision. i want to dream. i am ready to have a specific dream. a vision that is clear. a goal that is so big that i can’t do it in my own strength and must rely solely on You. help me Lord. put it in me - a dream that just gets bigger and bigger and bigger in me until i won’t give up, let up or shut up about it no matter who is telling me to sit down and shut up.  i won’t stop going after it until Jesus stops, calls out to me, has compassion on me, and touches me just like He did to those blind guys in jericho 2000 years ago.

Lord, i want my sight.