in the beginning…there were crepes.

a tribute

i remember the first time i ever heard about her. it was at least a decade ago. she had come to family church and one of the pastors came with eyes wide telling us that she was finally here. he told me to go and talk to her, but i didn’t really see where he was pointing and had no idea who she was, what her story was, and why it was so amazing that she was actually there so i didn’t. what we know now is that the Holy Spirit was steering me clear. you see, if i had introduced myself that day or if we had asked her and her husband to lunch, i’m afraid it would’ve put a nail in the coffin of any future friendship.

years pass. i knew who she was, but we ran in different circles. i had kept her kid in the nursery. i had heard her speak at heart to heart. i knew she taught at encounters. i knew friends of ours had a weekly date playing cards and eating fajitas with her and her husband. her daughter was the only kid in the entire youth group who talked to me – big, fat, pregnant, scared to death that God had actually called me back to youth ministry – me (but that is a different story). then i started working with her husband in ministry and our circles got closer. i can still remember where we were both sitting at a staff meeting when i thought – i sure would like to know her better..she seems like fun…but no way will that ever in a million years happen.

so, we worked in the same ministry and kinda talked every now and then. the Holy Spirit made our circles collide every so often, but even then not much. we had planning sessions for a youth retreat that would last until well after 2:00am– there were a bunch of people in one room so we didn’t really talk. then we started being invited to the same couple’s house and playing cards and such. hanging out more and more…and yet we still really didn’t know each other. how would we ever be closer than acquaintances who planned retreats once a year and played cards occasionally?

the Holy Spirit had some serious plans up his sleeves, but we were still oblivious. i think we both wanted to be closer than just acquaintances, but she thought i was too godly and unapproachable (which is funny) and i thought i was not cool enough to ever be friends with her. i mean she is this frilly, froo-froo, always put together, gorgeous lady with fantastic taste and i’m this tomboy at heart, tshirt and jeans, ponytail kind of girl with absolutely no taste. she taught…no preached amazingly well. i just led worship. i didn’t see much in our future but being a little more than cordial for the rest of our acquaintance-ship.

the Holy Spirit clearly had a different future in mind than we did. february of 2010….the moment the Holy Spirit had been planning since the beginning: a trip across the country. well, maybe not across the country but going into a six hour long drive with an acquaintance can feel as daunting as a cross-country trip. we were headed to try and pull off an encounter retreat – teaching, worship, and leading a group of women we knew nothing about 10 hours away. we completely did all our planning for this retreat through a mutual friend who lived 6 hours away. we lived in the same town, went to the same church, worked in the same ministry, and now our circles were closing in…yet we still barely spoke until the day came to make the drive. what in the world would we talk about for 6 hours? how long can you talk about surface things with an acquaintance? should i just bring my headphones and listen to music in the awkward silences that were sure to last about 5 of the 6 hours? God, what are You thinking?  how will this ever work? nevertheless, it was indeed the catalyst the Holy Spirit had chosen to kick start this friendship.

and so we began what we both thought would be a long, arduous journey. little did we know, when we stopped in memphis for a snack, things would never be the same again. we were headed for ice cream and caught sight of a little shop that made crepes. we both stopped dead in our tracks and could hardly contain our excitement. i mean…could you?

we walked quickly to the shop marveling at how we found this gem in the middle of the concrete jungle near beale street. our acquaintance-ship was officially over. the Holy Spirit had accomplished His work and it was indeed the beginning of a beautiful friendship.

now what do i say to my dear friend who turns 40 today? i won’t get all mushy and gushy – i will save that for a card or something. but i do want to say: i cannot express to you how grateful i am that the Holy Spirit decided to join us together. it has been 3 years and even as i type that sentence i shake my head. how has it only been 3 years? it feels like i have known you my whole life. that we have been joined at the hip since birth…well i am 7+ years younger (sorry had to throw that in)…but you get my gist. there is no one i laugh harder with, cry easier with, can be gut level honest and not apologetic with, work better in ministry with, and the list could go on and on. i laugh at how long it took us to become friends, and i am overjoyed at how quickly we connected once the Holy Spirit deemed us ready! we couldn’t be more different if we tried. it is laughable really.

i do so enjoy how we fit together though. He has such plans for us….as do you my crazy little friend. i don’t know if some of those will ever happen – i.e writing a book or leading worship and teaching to thousands together – but i do know for now no matter what:

“we'll be friends forever, won't we, pooh?' asked piglet.
even longer,' pooh answered.”

i love you more than i can find words to say..hints why i should never try and write a book. grin. i love you and hope your birthday is amazing! here’s to 40 more with this crazy amigo beside you.

blind as a bat

i have 20-20 vision. 20-15 actually. i’ve never worn glasses – though i wish i did! in fact, i wanted them so badly in 3^rd grade that i pretended that i couldn’t see the chalkboard in class just so my parents would buy me glasses.  i mean…who didn’t want to look like this as a kid:

wait…i grew up in the 80s so i would’ve looked more like this:

 

anyway…it was a sad day because i didn’t know that they wouldn’t just go out and buy me some awesome glasses, but instead they took me to the eye doctor for an exam. alas…perfect vision and thus no glasses. but that is all a story for another day.

i have perfect vision – better than perfect….and yet today…. i feel as blind as a bat. there is a question we used to ask – and might still ask – on friday night of our encounter retreats at church: “what do you want Jesus to do for you?”. the question comes out of an amazing story in the gospels. i will take it out of matthew 20:

²⁹ as Jesus and his disciples were leaving jericho, a large crowd followed Him. ³⁰ two blind men were sitting by the roadside, and when they heard that Jesus was going by, they shouted, “Lord, son of david,^(ac) have mercy on us!”

³¹ the crowd rebuked them and told them to be quiet, but they shouted all the louder, “Lord, son of david, have mercy on us!”

³² Jesus stopped and called them. “what do you want me to do for you?” He asked.

³³ “Lord,” they answered, “we want our sight.”

³⁴ Jesus had compassion on them and touched their eyes. immediately they received their sight and followed Him.

i love that Jesus asks them (what seems to us) the most obvious, no-brainer question.  mark batterson in his book the circle maker says, “seriously? is that question even necessary? isn’t it obvious exactly what they wanted from Him? Jesus made them verbalize their desire. He made them spell it out, but it wasn’t because Jesus didn’t know what they wanted. He wanted to make sure they knew what they wanted.”

Jesus knew exactly what they wanted. we ask this question at the encounter, but i wonder why we only save it for the retreats. i think it would be wise if we asked ourselves this question more often. i mean, if Jesus were here right now and asked me what seems to be an “obvious” question for some: “jenny, what do you want me to do for you?”  i think i would sit, mouth agape and not be able to utter a sound.

the truth of it: i have no idea what i want Jesus to do for me.

i mean a million things, but what is the obvious answer? am i as blind as these guys in jericho were? let’s get real, if i had to spell it out they way Jesus made these blind guys, what would i really say? could i really declare what my dreams are, what miracles i need, what my vision for my future is? honestly….i  don’t think so. not as pointedly as they answer, “Lord, we want our sight.”

i try to put pen to paper about what my dreams are and to be honest…i come up empty. maybe not empty, but i definitely end up scratching things out over and over.

i don’t know what my dreams are…there i said it.

oh, my closest friends…they have dreams.  huge dreams! incredible visions! plans i can’t fathom in my own life:

dreams of publishing a novel or 2…or 10

amazing visions of preaching to thousands

plans of buying a one way ticket to the poorest, neediest place and being Jesus with skin on

i feel so small compared to these huge dreams.

right now, my dreams are so scattered. i have no need for glasses, and yet i have no vision. when thinking about what i want to “be when i grow up”. i always start with, “i could do a million different things…maybe i will ______.”

ugh!!!

i think i get so bogged down in my day to day that i forget to dream. maybe it is just that you have different dreams when you are in different seasons of your life. like right now, i dream of a house that we own instead of rent with walls we get to paint and rooms we get to decorate.  and by “we get to paint” i mean i’m paying someone else because i suck at painting. and by “we get to decorate” i mean shannon because i have no taste.  but i digress.

my dreams seem small to me right now. maybe the issue is: they don’t really qualify as dreams because they are attainable by me. maybe that is really the qualification of a God-given dream – it has to be so far out there that we can’t do it on our own. like the blind guys – they needed their sight. they wanted their sight. they probably talked about it all the time: “i wonder what it would be like to see my wife’s face.” “people talk about how gorgeous the sunset is. i wonder what that looks like.” etc. they needed it. wanted it. couldn’t get it. not without a miracle. not without Jesus.

that’s why when they heard that Jesus was going by, they forgot all about protocol and dignity. they knew there was something different about Him. they had probably heard rumors about healings and stories of what He had done. they knew He could give them. what was their response? they would not be quiet. they would not stop shouting – even after being rebuked – matthew says they shouted all the louder. these are guys that knew what they wanted and didn’t stop until they got it.

so the question remains for us…at least it does for me:

Jesus: jenny, what do you want me to do for you?

me: Lord, i want my sight. i want to have vision. i want to dream. i am ready to have a specific dream. a vision that is clear. a goal that is so big that i can’t do it in my own strength and must rely solely on You. help me Lord. put it in me - a dream that just gets bigger and bigger and bigger in me until i won’t give up, let up or shut up about it no matter who is telling me to sit down and shut up.  i won’t stop going after it until Jesus stops, calls out to me, has compassion on me, and touches me just like He did to those blind guys in jericho 2000 years ago.

Lord, i want my sight.