i will remember

i received an awesome gift for christmas last year that i wish i had used. it is beautiful and so useful and was given to me by a woman who has since become one of my best friends. the gift was given to each woman in our life group; i was new to the group and was surprised and honored to receive such a gift. it was well thought out and would’ve been an incredible gift all year…had i used it. instead, it became an excellent dust collector at the top of my closet. how unfortunate. it was a beautiful box with a slit in the top to be used all year by slipping pieces of paper into it. these pieces of paper would have had things on them like prayer requests, blessings, answered prayer, fun times that will turn into memories or written prayers to God. i was supposed to write these things down and slip them in the box to be read…well….today. numerous things that happened throughout 2013 that i was sure to forget but when read on december 31^st, i could remember. now, here i am on december 31^st wanting to kick my 2013 self. oh how i wish i had used this gift. so so so many things happened almost all of which i have forgotten. don’t get me wrong…they weren’t insignificant, but when i can’t see these things in front of me written on a piece of paper – they are hard to remember. the year flies by quicker than we can blink and to be honest we can only remember a handful of days.

i don’t know about you, but when i can’t remember specific good things….satan swoops in and all of a sudden i can remember all the bad. in fact, it doesn’t take much and all of a sudden the bad is ALL i can remember.  when i try and remember back, i will remember wrong or at least i will focus in on the wrong part of the details.

i will focus on things like my husband taking a job two hours away and now the girls and i only get to see him on most weekends. i focus on the fact that he is 2 hours away instead of focusing on the good – he got his dream job…scratch that – he got A job. after an entire year of living on one income and paying cash for school….he got a job!!! and then i remember even better: he didn’t just get A job…he got his dream job – head baseball coach and assistant football. wow!

i will focus on the negative side of losing the seniors. these girls which i had poured into for years…since some of them were in 8^th grade. we had spent countless hours together… counseling with them, crying with them, teaching them how to worship and then how to lead worship, praying with them, and overall sharing life with them. i am the advocate for going away to college, but when it got down to it: it hurt. no they aren’t blood, but it still hurt deeply. now, if i let him, satan will cause me to focus all on the hurt and the negative, but i have to combat that with thinking on the good – i got the absolute privilege of helping to launch these girls into the world. some have flown, some have not (and those will fly again), but knowing that i was a part of it in just a little way greatly outweighs the hurt.

if i’m not careful, i will focus on all the negatives and never focus on the positives. i will forget the fun memories and feel like 2013 was a waste. i will forget the hours of prayer pouring over certain things and receiving more than what i asked for and instead i will remember all the things i wanted and didn’t get. it’s so easy to pull out the bad, but i must begin to focus on the good. now, i’m not going to be an ostrich and stick my head in the sand when it comes to the bad, but i do want to keep it in perspective.

“summing it all up, friends, i’d say you’ll do best by filling your minds and meditating on things true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious – the best, not the worst; the beautiful, not the ugly; things to praise, not things to curse. put into practice what you learned from me (paul), what you heard and saw and realized. do that, and god, who makes everything work together, will work you into his most excellent harmonies.” philippians 4:8-9 msg

let me encourage you to do what i didn’t in 2013 and what i plan to do in 2014: write some things down. i work in a ministry where things happen at the speed of light – so many things have happened in the ministry this year and they have become a blur. write them down! i need to write down the conversation i had with that student at the concession stand – it started awkwardly but ended with a smile (which is harder than you think sometimes with teenagers!). i need to write down that moment i got to hang out with a new student, pray for them and 3 weeks later i got to see them walk the aisle for salvation. i will write down prayers for these students… not just them…i will write down prayers for my family, for my kids, for my husband, for my friends, and for me and smile 365 days from now when i pull them out and see how God answered them or how God used me. i will get to pull out the memories and relive them. i will get to pull out the blessings and praise God all over again. i want to remember 2014. period. i want to remember it.

so, i am pulling the box out tonight, dusting it off and adding my first slip of paper first thing in the morning: i am blessed to have a new year: the chance to start off right and the hope that this year will far exceed any dreams or hopes i might have. it might bring heartache and extreme joy. i don’t know exactly what it will bring, but i know that i will remember it!

limbo of the unknown

if i had been writing this back in june, my blog would’ve looked something like this:

i am mad. mad and sad. disappointed. frustrated. angry. bitter. you see..things are not going how i think they should be going. chris should have a job by now. he has a great network of coaches trying everything they can possibly do to get him a job. and not just at the school he has given his life to this past year but everywhere…anywhere. he student taught at that school in the fall and the guys took him in immediately as one of their own. then in the spring he stayed there and coached for free and substituted every now and then. they did everything they could to get him a job out there. when that wasn’t working they began to stick their necks out and call other schools and write letters of recommendations to get him a job somewhere.

but now it is june and nothing. no, not just nothing…doors slammed in our face. not just one or two doors either. a dozen or more. we literally had 4 doors slam in one day. they would say, “where were you last night? we hired him and there were only two applicants.” or “if cope (the head baseball coach) had called me monday, it would’ve been a done deal.” we had some schools not even give us a second look. it is hurtful and unbelievable. and honestly, at times it has literally felt like God is chasing us through a maze
   and when we get to the dead end..there isn’t just a dead end, there is a door slamming in our face. like God is saying, “nope. not here. keep going.” it is frustrating. and that is putting it nicely. i am frustrated. mad. hurt. bewildered. why is this happening?
i could drown in that question if i let it take over.

i am reminded of this song from my old jr high/high school days by indigo girls. i’m not a huge fan, but i love a few songs and they hold a special place in my heart because it was very first concert i ever went to in 6^th grade. here are the lyrics of the entire song:

the thin horizon of a plan is almost clear. my friends and i have had a tough time: bruising our brains hard up against change all the old dogs and the magician. now i see we're in the boat in two by twos only the heart that we have for a tool we could use. and the very close quarters are hard to get used to love weighs the hull down with its weight. but the wood is tired and the wood is old, and we'll make it fine if the weather holds. but if the weather holds then we'll have missed the point that's were i need to go. no way construction of this tricky plan, was built by other than a greater hand with a love that passes all our understanding watching closely over the journey. yeah, but what it takes to cross the great divide seems more than all the courage i can muster up inside, but we get to have some answers when we reach the other side the prize is always worth the rocky ride. but the wood is tired and the wood is old, and we'll make it fine if the weather holds. but if the weather holds then we'll have missed the point that's where i need to go. sometimes i ask to sneak a closer look. skip to the final chapter of the book, and maybe steer us clear from some of the pain it took to get us where we are this far. but the question drowns in its futility and even i have got to laugh at me; ‘cause no one gets to miss the storm of what will be just holding on for the ride. the wood is tired the wood is old, and we'll make it fine if the weather holds. but if the weather holds then we'll have missed the point that's where i need to go.

“sometimes i ask to sneak a closer look. skip to the final chapter of the book”. that’s all i want. just a quick peek. i’ve been in this stage of not knowing for too long. it has been since this time last year when we were about to go into a semester of student teaching where we would be on my income alone AND pay for school in cash. we didn’t know where our next meal was going to come from some days. it was this wave after wave of unknown and no horizon in site. we thought when he graduated in december some of that would lighten; that he might get a teaching job for the spring if a teacher left which one or two usually does halfway through the year. december came and went…and nothing. we were still stuck in this limbo of the unknown. not knowing where God would take us. what job He had for us. then may came and chris started getting a little antsy. the guys told him to not start worrying until july. but we are in june. and nothing. sure it isn’t july, but it is june. God where are you? this is getting old. it is entirely too much to bear.

or so it seems.

“no way construction of this tricky plan, was built by other than a greater hand with a love that passes all our understanding watching closely over the journey”. it seems like it is too much to bear, but it isn’t. i know my God and He won’t let me crumble. it might feel like i can’t take any more, but God is so gentle with us and does not treat us as we deserve. now we think we deserve a lot more than we do..like we are entitled for life to go exactly the way we want it: chris would’ve gotten a job at watson chapel as cope’s assistant. he would learn a ton and we’d still be here in white hall for the next 3 or 4 years. here with the family i have made in the 13 years i have lived here. here where my kids were born and have grown up. here beside my best friends. home. but that is a blog for another day.

i’m tired. i’m tired of not knowing.not knowing..you name it…not knowing if we should turn to the left or to the right. not knowing when we will find out. not knowing if we will make it to the end of the month on the money we have. yeah yeah i know God will provide. and i believe that deep in my core and have seen it more times than i can count, but sometimes it feels like nothing more than a platitude. i know He will provide, but GOOD GRIEF can i just take a look into that book and see what the final chapter of this season says? this not knowing is killing me! not knowing if we will have to uproot and go to a brand new place where the girls have no idea what to expect and we have no support base? not knowing if i have to be the sole supporter for another year. not knowing. i just want to know. the waiting is killing me. even to know that he isn’t going to have a coaching job and he has to find something else for this year. as hard as that would be..it would be better than this not knowing.

“but the wood is tired and the wood is old and we’ll make it fine if the weather holds. but if the weather holds then we’ll have missed the point.”

i am tired. It is getting old and i would be fine if this weather holds. june. we are in the eye of the storm. it has been a storm since last august. 10 months. i feel battered and bruised.

and something inside me whispers, “good.” say what? “good.” if i am never tried, how will i know if my faith can stand? it’s easy when everything is going my way, but to have the ship swaying to and fro and being nearly pitched out a dozen times…to get to the end of it and still be standing is a testimony in and of itself. not to my glory but to the Lord’s.

consider it a sheer gift, friends, when tests and challenges come at you from all sides. you know that under pressure, your faith-life is forced into the open and shows its true colors. so don’t try to get out of anything prematurely. let it do its work so you become mature and well-developed, not deficient in any way. james 1:2-4 (msg)

the niv says: consider it pure joy. i’m not sure that when you are in the thick of it, pure joy is possible. i think there are glimmers of hope, but wholly and completely full of pure joy…i have yet to really experience that during the trial.

peace…yes. strength…yes. steadfastness…yes. faithfulness…yes. energy…yes. pure joy……crickets.

i think the pure joy comes when the storm begins to die down and you see how battered and bruised the ship is and how far you have come..not just in the journey but in you. you can really see what maturity the storm brought. in the midst of the storm..your true colors definitely do shine. the pure joy comes when you see that you fought the fight and made it out on the other side. wear and tear and all.

here i am now…it is the end of july. we were chased through that maze by the Lord. i have no doubt doors were shut for a purpose. in our human eyes they shouldn’t have been shut, but God knew what lay behind every single door. most of y’all know the ending: chris got an interview monday june 17^th…it was the first bite. and it really isn’t an ending at all, but a glorious beginning! long story short: he got the job he has wanted for years. he gets to start small and make a name for himself. there’s more to say, but that is not the point.

“sometimes i ask to sneak a closer look. skip to the final chapter of the book, and maybe steer us clear from some of the pain it took to get us where we are this far. but the question drowns in its futility and even i have got to laugh at me cause no one gets to miss the storm of what will be. just holding on for the ride.”

no one gets to miss the storm. if we did…our faith life true colors couldn’t show up and we wouldn’t become mature and well-developed. i don’t know about y’all, but i want this. do i like how it has to happen? negatory good buddy, but neither do i want to be deficient in any way.

pure joy..i am working that part out. for now, i’m just holding on for the ride.

HE not ME

warning: i’m jumping off the deep end from the start. no funny anecdote this time around. i have this thought that keeps rattling around in my head that needs to get out. i tried to shrug it off, but it just won’t quit. so…i thought maybe i need to share it here where a few people may be feeling the same way. so here we go, for what it’s worth…at least i’ll feel better having gotten it out.

fear: a distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil, pain, etc., whether the threat is real or imagined

we all have fears. all of us. they start when we are little bitty kids. we are afraid of the dark. we are scared of monsters under our beds or in our closets. for me it was alligators on the floor – you never saw a kid fly so fast from the bathroom to the bed. we are scared of going to sleep and having that nightmare again.

they grow into bigger or “more mature” fears in elementary school: the fear of being picked last in gym class. we fear that when our friends are whispering they are talking about us. we are afraid of what people think about the shoes we got from kmart and our hand-me-down jeans.

as we grow older the fears change: we get scared when grades start to count in 9^th grade. we fear that we won’t get into college or that when we get there we will have no friends. the fears continually get deeper: fears that something is not quite right with our parents’ marriage, that our brother won’t ever get over his partying phase, our sister won’t ever like us again (sidenote: it took moving out of the state for mine and me to finally become friends –best ones at that. i would do it all over again if moving a state away is what it took!)

they graduate into more common fears: choosing the wrong major, we fear we will never find that knight in shining armor or worse: maybe he’ll see us first and ride away in the other direction. we fear we’ll never have kids, own that dream house, have a nice car, find that perfect job and the list could go on and on.
none of those are plaguing my thoughts today like this one is:
           
the fear of not mattering

let me explain. i absolutely do not have this fear at all when it comes to mattering to the Lord. God has given me a huge revelation of worth where He is involved. it took years, but this thick headed girl finally learned. in case someone here is struggling with this type of mattering, here is just a small glimpse from a past teaching:

God says, “let us make man”

i think this is so interesting. genesis 1:3 – let there be light. vs. 6 – let there be… vs. 20 let the water teem with living creatures… vs 24 – let the land produce living creatures….

then in vs. 26 – let us make man

God didn’t make man like the rest of the animals. He was letting the water teem and letting the land produce, but here…with man…He says let’s get hands on. let us make man

let’s jump to chapter 2:7 before we go on in vs. 26

⁷ the lord God formed the man from the dust of the ground

He got personally involved. His hands formed us. so far – everything had been created with His words, but now – He uses his hands and forms man from the dust of the ground. we saw that the animals were also from the ground, but God just let the land produce the animals. He got up close and personal when it came to us. and He went even further than that!!

let’s see how else He formed us in vs. 7

and breathed into His nostrils the breath of life, and the man became a living being.

He breathed into man. let’s not take this lightly. this same breath:

-       causes the foundations of the earth to be laid bare (2 sam. 22:16)

-       at the breath of God those who plow evil are destroyed (job 4:8-9)

-       job also tells us that His breath causes the waters to freeze

-       most importantly, 2 timothy 3:16 tells us all scripture is God-breathed

and i could go on.

in gen 2:7…He took his hands and formed us – purposefully, intentionally, every part of us. and He breathed His breath into us which caused us to come alive!

now let’s go back to gen 1:26

²⁶ then God said, “let us make man in our image, in our likeness,

God made man unique – no other creature was made in the image of God. our lives bear the imprint or mark of God Almighty. He created us in His likeness. each person is a portrait of God. when He breathed into them and they opened their eyes, God was like a new dad saying – you look like me!

after God made man, the story changed. up until now, after He created things, it says “and He saw that it was good.” now, after man and woman it is “very good.” when God made adam and eve, He said – you’re the most beautiful thing I ever made! God loved them with all His heart. and they were lovely because He loved them. you see, God hasn’t made any mistakes. He has made us just the way we are and has declared that we are very good.

and i could go on..that was a fun teaching, but i’ll stop there. i’m a mom. i kinda get the overwhelming “i created you, you look like me, you are fearfully and wonderfully made” thing. you see, when it comes to God – i absolutely get that He loves me and i am his prized possession and He cares for me more than sparrows etc etc etc. He’s my dad and He loves me more than i can fathom. i know He will continue to give me more and more revelation about this, but for now i am good.

now i’ll tell you it does feel weird to praise God for me and tell Him how awesome His works..me…are…or is. whatever, you know what i’m saying. it feels weird and wrong and prideful and yet we are supposed to do just that.

however, where i mess up….where i have this fear of not mattering is when it comes to people. when it comes to thinking i am fearfully and wonderfully made, i’m not sure when it happens, but i inevitably take my focus off of the only One that matters – the One who actually made me – and i give weight to what others around me think.

i don’t think it is a 24/7 thing but i slip into this thinking when i least expect it. it is one of the reasons i drop out of social media from time to time. when i post something and am waiting to see how many like it or retweet it and then i try to top it with the next post i submit…that is unhealthy. i have to back up and remember that no one holds my worth except my Creator - my Heavenly Father – Dad.

here’s the thing: i work with youth. and like most of the workers in revolution, we don’t just work with youth on wednesday nights for 3 hours…we are pouring our lives into them outside of wednesday nights. you know…doing that whole discipleship thing Jesus taught us to do…but that is a different blog altogether.

like i was saying, i work with youth and in sharing life with them, it can sometimes feel like you are giving parts of yourself away. you are pouring into them all the wisdom God has given you through experience, studying the word, what God gives you the moment you open your mouth to counsel them, and sometimes just common sense. now over the years of doing this, especially to my seniors (whom i claim as mine because i’ve been with them since they were in 8^th grade) it can really feel like you are drained completely dry. they are about to graduate and it literally feels like they will take these parts of me with them, and i can’t help but think…..have i mattered at all? don’t take this as a plea for someone to say, “of course you do”. that is not what i am hunting. i am trying to work this out of me.

i have spent countless hours counseling, laughing, crying, praying, and the like for 5+ years with some of them. will they remember? i mean when it is crunch time, will they remember a thing i have said? has any of it mattered? changed them? made them better people?

now i think this is where my flesh takes over., when i think about them remembering things I’ve said..the i is capitalized. i mean when i really trace the root of this fear of not mattering, i think it is all coming from a completely selfish and even prideful place. i am a person and like most people i don’t want to be just one who fits into a crowd that no one notices or remembers. well..sometimes i do, but with those i intentionally pour into and share life with – no. i don’t want to be forgotten. i want to be remembered…with fondness at that. i want to be remembered as someone special in their lives. i want them to recall things i’ve said in life group; the fun we’ve had every monday night for the last 4 years; the times we have just been hanging out playing cards or kinect; the things i have taught during a retreat or on wednesday night or during one-on-one discipleship.  

but this is wrong. i don’t think it is wrong to want to be remembered, but honestly when i think about their relationship with Christ…shouldn’t it be only about what the Lord has taught them? who cares that i was the catalyst? will they remember Jesus when they are smack dab in the middle of college with hard decisions facing them daily? when they look back, i don’t want them to see me – i want them to see where Christ has taken them. what HE has taught them. how HE has counseled them, brought them joy, comforted them and interceded for them. HE not ME.

my focus is beginning to shift. just getting this out there on paper is so helpful. it makes it seem so silly and therefore easy to change.

fear: a distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil, pain, etc., whether the threat is real or imagined

it’s that last part. real or imagined. the fear of not mattering…it is imagined.

i matter. of course i matter. i matter to my Dad. He wants to use me..daily if possible to reach people. do i want them to remember me? absolutely. but this desire for them to cling to Christ and remember what He has taught them – that must get bigger. and the desire for them to remember me and how i influenced them – that must get smaller. like john the baptist said, “He (Jesus) must increase, but i must decrease.” the message says it: “this is the assigned moment for Him to move into the center, while i slip off to the sidelines.”

yes and amen.

in the beginning…there were crepes.

a tribute

i remember the first time i ever heard about her. it was at least a decade ago. she had come to family church and one of the pastors came with eyes wide telling us that she was finally here. he told me to go and talk to her, but i didn’t really see where he was pointing and had no idea who she was, what her story was, and why it was so amazing that she was actually there so i didn’t. what we know now is that the Holy Spirit was steering me clear. you see, if i had introduced myself that day or if we had asked her and her husband to lunch, i’m afraid it would’ve put a nail in the coffin of any future friendship.

years pass. i knew who she was, but we ran in different circles. i had kept her kid in the nursery. i had heard her speak at heart to heart. i knew she taught at encounters. i knew friends of ours had a weekly date playing cards and eating fajitas with her and her husband. her daughter was the only kid in the entire youth group who talked to me – big, fat, pregnant, scared to death that God had actually called me back to youth ministry – me (but that is a different story). then i started working with her husband in ministry and our circles got closer. i can still remember where we were both sitting at a staff meeting when i thought – i sure would like to know her better..she seems like fun…but no way will that ever in a million years happen.

so, we worked in the same ministry and kinda talked every now and then. the Holy Spirit made our circles collide every so often, but even then not much. we had planning sessions for a youth retreat that would last until well after 2:00am– there were a bunch of people in one room so we didn’t really talk. then we started being invited to the same couple’s house and playing cards and such. hanging out more and more…and yet we still really didn’t know each other. how would we ever be closer than acquaintances who planned retreats once a year and played cards occasionally?

the Holy Spirit had some serious plans up his sleeves, but we were still oblivious. i think we both wanted to be closer than just acquaintances, but she thought i was too godly and unapproachable (which is funny) and i thought i was not cool enough to ever be friends with her. i mean she is this frilly, froo-froo, always put together, gorgeous lady with fantastic taste and i’m this tomboy at heart, tshirt and jeans, ponytail kind of girl with absolutely no taste. she taught…no preached amazingly well. i just led worship. i didn’t see much in our future but being a little more than cordial for the rest of our acquaintance-ship.

the Holy Spirit clearly had a different future in mind than we did. february of 2010….the moment the Holy Spirit had been planning since the beginning: a trip across the country. well, maybe not across the country but going into a six hour long drive with an acquaintance can feel as daunting as a cross-country trip. we were headed to try and pull off an encounter retreat – teaching, worship, and leading a group of women we knew nothing about 10 hours away. we completely did all our planning for this retreat through a mutual friend who lived 6 hours away. we lived in the same town, went to the same church, worked in the same ministry, and now our circles were closing in…yet we still barely spoke until the day came to make the drive. what in the world would we talk about for 6 hours? how long can you talk about surface things with an acquaintance? should i just bring my headphones and listen to music in the awkward silences that were sure to last about 5 of the 6 hours? God, what are You thinking?  how will this ever work? nevertheless, it was indeed the catalyst the Holy Spirit had chosen to kick start this friendship.

and so we began what we both thought would be a long, arduous journey. little did we know, when we stopped in memphis for a snack, things would never be the same again. we were headed for ice cream and caught sight of a little shop that made crepes. we both stopped dead in our tracks and could hardly contain our excitement. i mean…could you?

we walked quickly to the shop marveling at how we found this gem in the middle of the concrete jungle near beale street. our acquaintance-ship was officially over. the Holy Spirit had accomplished His work and it was indeed the beginning of a beautiful friendship.

now what do i say to my dear friend who turns 40 today? i won’t get all mushy and gushy – i will save that for a card or something. but i do want to say: i cannot express to you how grateful i am that the Holy Spirit decided to join us together. it has been 3 years and even as i type that sentence i shake my head. how has it only been 3 years? it feels like i have known you my whole life. that we have been joined at the hip since birth…well i am 7+ years younger (sorry had to throw that in)…but you get my gist. there is no one i laugh harder with, cry easier with, can be gut level honest and not apologetic with, work better in ministry with, and the list could go on and on. i laugh at how long it took us to become friends, and i am overjoyed at how quickly we connected once the Holy Spirit deemed us ready! we couldn’t be more different if we tried. it is laughable really.

i do so enjoy how we fit together though. He has such plans for us….as do you my crazy little friend. i don’t know if some of those will ever happen – i.e writing a book or leading worship and teaching to thousands together – but i do know for now no matter what:

“we'll be friends forever, won't we, pooh?' asked piglet.
even longer,' pooh answered.”

i love you more than i can find words to say..hints why i should never try and write a book. grin. i love you and hope your birthday is amazing! here’s to 40 more with this crazy amigo beside you.

blind as a bat

i have 20-20 vision. 20-15 actually. i’ve never worn glasses – though i wish i did! in fact, i wanted them so badly in 3^rd grade that i pretended that i couldn’t see the chalkboard in class just so my parents would buy me glasses.  i mean…who didn’t want to look like this as a kid:

wait…i grew up in the 80s so i would’ve looked more like this:

 

anyway…it was a sad day because i didn’t know that they wouldn’t just go out and buy me some awesome glasses, but instead they took me to the eye doctor for an exam. alas…perfect vision and thus no glasses. but that is all a story for another day.

i have perfect vision – better than perfect….and yet today…. i feel as blind as a bat. there is a question we used to ask – and might still ask – on friday night of our encounter retreats at church: “what do you want Jesus to do for you?”. the question comes out of an amazing story in the gospels. i will take it out of matthew 20:

²⁹ as Jesus and his disciples were leaving jericho, a large crowd followed Him. ³⁰ two blind men were sitting by the roadside, and when they heard that Jesus was going by, they shouted, “Lord, son of david,^(ac) have mercy on us!”

³¹ the crowd rebuked them and told them to be quiet, but they shouted all the louder, “Lord, son of david, have mercy on us!”

³² Jesus stopped and called them. “what do you want me to do for you?” He asked.

³³ “Lord,” they answered, “we want our sight.”

³⁴ Jesus had compassion on them and touched their eyes. immediately they received their sight and followed Him.

i love that Jesus asks them (what seems to us) the most obvious, no-brainer question.  mark batterson in his book the circle maker says, “seriously? is that question even necessary? isn’t it obvious exactly what they wanted from Him? Jesus made them verbalize their desire. He made them spell it out, but it wasn’t because Jesus didn’t know what they wanted. He wanted to make sure they knew what they wanted.”

Jesus knew exactly what they wanted. we ask this question at the encounter, but i wonder why we only save it for the retreats. i think it would be wise if we asked ourselves this question more often. i mean, if Jesus were here right now and asked me what seems to be an “obvious” question for some: “jenny, what do you want me to do for you?”  i think i would sit, mouth agape and not be able to utter a sound.

the truth of it: i have no idea what i want Jesus to do for me.

i mean a million things, but what is the obvious answer? am i as blind as these guys in jericho were? let’s get real, if i had to spell it out they way Jesus made these blind guys, what would i really say? could i really declare what my dreams are, what miracles i need, what my vision for my future is? honestly….i  don’t think so. not as pointedly as they answer, “Lord, we want our sight.”

i try to put pen to paper about what my dreams are and to be honest…i come up empty. maybe not empty, but i definitely end up scratching things out over and over.

i don’t know what my dreams are…there i said it.

oh, my closest friends…they have dreams.  huge dreams! incredible visions! plans i can’t fathom in my own life:

dreams of publishing a novel or 2…or 10

amazing visions of preaching to thousands

plans of buying a one way ticket to the poorest, neediest place and being Jesus with skin on

i feel so small compared to these huge dreams.

right now, my dreams are so scattered. i have no need for glasses, and yet i have no vision. when thinking about what i want to “be when i grow up”. i always start with, “i could do a million different things…maybe i will ______.”

ugh!!!

i think i get so bogged down in my day to day that i forget to dream. maybe it is just that you have different dreams when you are in different seasons of your life. like right now, i dream of a house that we own instead of rent with walls we get to paint and rooms we get to decorate.  and by “we get to paint” i mean i’m paying someone else because i suck at painting. and by “we get to decorate” i mean shannon because i have no taste.  but i digress.

my dreams seem small to me right now. maybe the issue is: they don’t really qualify as dreams because they are attainable by me. maybe that is really the qualification of a God-given dream – it has to be so far out there that we can’t do it on our own. like the blind guys – they needed their sight. they wanted their sight. they probably talked about it all the time: “i wonder what it would be like to see my wife’s face.” “people talk about how gorgeous the sunset is. i wonder what that looks like.” etc. they needed it. wanted it. couldn’t get it. not without a miracle. not without Jesus.

that’s why when they heard that Jesus was going by, they forgot all about protocol and dignity. they knew there was something different about Him. they had probably heard rumors about healings and stories of what He had done. they knew He could give them. what was their response? they would not be quiet. they would not stop shouting – even after being rebuked – matthew says they shouted all the louder. these are guys that knew what they wanted and didn’t stop until they got it.

so the question remains for us…at least it does for me:

Jesus: jenny, what do you want me to do for you?

me: Lord, i want my sight. i want to have vision. i want to dream. i am ready to have a specific dream. a vision that is clear. a goal that is so big that i can’t do it in my own strength and must rely solely on You. help me Lord. put it in me - a dream that just gets bigger and bigger and bigger in me until i won’t give up, let up or shut up about it no matter who is telling me to sit down and shut up.  i won’t stop going after it until Jesus stops, calls out to me, has compassion on me, and touches me just like He did to those blind guys in jericho 2000 years ago.

Lord, i want my sight.

girly, twirly, pink and swirly

if i was writing this i think i would be dotting my “i’s” with little bitty hearts. i was looking for a specific painting i have seen in the past of these two little girls at the top of the stairs. it has a big sister helping a little sister put on her shoes or something like that. it totally reminds me of my two little ones, but i can’t find it anywhere now. anyway, as i was searching google images, i came across this one that took my breath away:

if that doesn’t look just like my little girls without actually being them, i don’t know what does! then i got to thinking about those two knuckle heads and how funny God is.  

you gotta understand that i wanted 3 or 4 (maybe even 5) BOYS….and God gave us girls. now, i know He has this amazing plan, yada yada…but i wanted boys. i could see myself making pancakes in the morning (which is quite laughable now) and all 5 of them running down the stairs to grab a few, kiss me on the cheek and jump in the car with dad to head to school.

i didn’t want girls. i grew up a tomboy: i climbed trees, walked in creeks, got dirty. i was an athlete from the time they let me touch a soccer ball. i never dreamed about my wedding day. i didn’t have girly crushes. i didn’t wear pink, or purple, or cute shoes.

and that tomboy grew up, still hated pink, purple and owned about 3 pairs of shoes….and she wanted boys!

God had a different plan.

He thinks He is so funny! God didn’t just give me a girl..He gave me 2 girls. and not just girls:

girly, twirly, pink and swirly girls!!

they are completely and totally, 100% pink lovin’, skirt wearing, shoe cravin’, girly girls. they want to paint their fingernails, wear dresses 24/7 and they try to sneak makeup whenever they can. they love anything pink or purple and frilly is best! 

but don’t let me fool you: it was love at first pink blanket.

now, i’ll admit: it took a second to actually even purchase a pink blanket. hey, give me a break: i was in denial. but when mikayla came on the scene – i was completely hooked. now, i still didn’t plaster her little bald head with an oversized bow; in fact, most of the time she rocked out the cue ball look, but i was head over heels. and three years later i fell in love all over again when morgan came on the scene and completely took over. now my world is swimming in pink, purple, frilly tutu’s and little girls begging: “mommy can i please wear a dress to school.”

and i wouldn’t trade it for the world.

i don’t think 8 years ago when we found out mikayla was a girl that i would ever say that last sentence. somehow, God knew that what this grownup tomboy needed was two girly girls to change my life forever. growing up a creek dwellin’, tree climbin’, soccer ball wielding tomboy with 2 older brothers, my little heart had become hard. i was sarcastic, sharp tongued, insensitive, unfeeling. it wasn't that i suppressed my emotions – i didn’t have any.

okay, so i am being a little excessive…but only a little. honestly i was rough around the edges. i wanted to cry when people would come to me crying – but i couldn’t. i would literally pinch myself to try and cry with them. i wanted to be the softy that people could lean on, but i was more like a cactus.

all of that changed when my first little girl entered the world. God caused these two little girls to melt the ice around my heart. now, i still don’t cry at the drop of a hat, but i definitely cry which is saying a lot!!

i think the most amazing thing about having these two girly girls is that i get to teach them how to love Jesus.  it’s my most favorite part. i feel as though most days i fail, but then there are times when i get to hear from others that they are really becoming more and more like Jesus every day. i love hearing when morgan keeps telling her teacher at daycare: “don’t forget that Jesus died on the cross for us”, and mikayla is kind and prays with her little friends at school and is burdened with her little lost friend and prays for her all the time.

i love to think of when mikayla grows up and becomes the woman God is calling her to be. i see a gentle warrior with healing in her hands and contagious joy pouring out. and i think of when this little tenacious morgan sinks her teeth into Christ – and changes the world. i love to picture them grown and sitting and having coffee on some picturesque porch with me.

i can’t wait for those days.

but for now, i will continue to buy them everything pink and girly and teach them how to pray and love and watch them begin to think and act more like Christ.

what a privilege to get to disciple my daughters. and to think i wanted boys. well, truth be told - i still want one…only chris is scared of three girls…but i digress.

called by name

now in hindsight i guess this should’ve been my first blog entry, but really creating this blog was completely a spur of the moment deal. if you read my first one, you saw that it started out almost accidentally. the week before i wrote that first entry, i thought maybe i ought to start writing out some of this craziness that goes on in my head. who knows, maybe someone will benefit. i certainly don’t journal like i used to, so maybe this will be my outlet. the other side of me says, “you are crazy! once you put something out there you can NEVER take it back.” well, so be it. here i am, in print…whether God chooses to use it or not is entirely up to Him. i truly hope it helps, or causes you to laugh, or shake your head, or in my wildest hopes: it makes you dream again. that it makes you think. it makes you want to be closer to Christ than you were yesterday. it begins a healing process. it sheds light on the places you wanted to keep in the dark.  above all: that it will point you to the One who loves you more that you will ever know.

wait! before i begin this journey into the blog world, you have to know something:  i do not capitalize. it all started in junior high. i was introduced to my absolute favorite 80s Christian band (the only one i liked truth be told), whiteheart. all their lyrics in their little cd cover were not capitalized. i loved the idea that “I” shouldn’t be capitalized because He is I AM. so i began to not capitalize anything but God, Jesus, Holy Spirit and such, and it stuck. it is not super spiritual – just a fun reminder that He is I AM and i am not! so anyway, if you are a grammar freak…you will have to forgive this habit. if you want to read this blog that is. at the same time, if you are type A (God love you) and you ever run across a word that is capitalized that is not God or Jesus etc…go easy on me…i am having to manually go in because word automatically capitalizes. but i digress.

okay, so let’s begin this which should’ve been my first blog. it starts with the title of the entire blog:

called by name

But now, o jacob, listen to the Lord who created you.
    o israel, the one who formed you says,
“do not be afraid, for I have ransomed you.
    I have called you by name; you are mine. "

                                                                ~isaiah 43:1 (nlt)

everyone likes to be known. not famously known, but just…known. we live in a world that really is quite friendly at times, or at least we are in the south. for the most part, we seem very welcoming. we ask perfect strangers: “how are you doing?”.  we make an effort (most of the time) to meet new people in hopes of finding a new friend at work or a friendly face at the grocery store. when tragedy strikes (such as a hurricane or whatnot): we care about what happens to people we do not know and will never meet halfway across the country or world for that matter. we do these things in hopes that others will feel welcome and maybe so some of them will return the favor. we want to be known. even the old tv show had it right: “sometimes you wanna go, where everybody knows your name. and they’re always glad you came.” it’s true.

this is all not necessarily to feel important, but maybe it’s more along the lines of wanting to feel… wanted. to feel welcome. to feel known. like if we missed a week of work, that person we make small talk to in the break room would kinda miss us.  again, i don’t believe this is because we want to feel important. we just like being known. not just by perfect strangers either. it goes beyond the acquaintances and we dive even deeper into this in our friendships.  we make up nicknames for each other not because we want to be cute, but because we want to be more intimate. we want to be known. we want to belong.

that’s it: we want to belong.  

we call each other by nickname because really it is a rite of passage in a friendship. you don’t get to call me “jen” unless you really know me. you don’t get to call me “ned” unless you are my counterparts “dusty” or “lucky”. “meddog” is old school but it’s still there at times. sunshine, jennifer kay, sis and the list goes on. and it goes both ways: i definitely have nicknames for those close to me.

why? to be known. to belong. to be close. to say – i know you and we are tight.

it makes us feel all mushy and gushy and warm inside. maybe we don’t really notice these feelings all the time, but they are indeed there.

this verse is like that feeling but multiplied by like a billion.

maybe you are the kind who shies away from everything i just described. maybe you don’t have anyone close enough to call a nickname. maybe you don’t feel like you are known or that you belong or that anyone wants you at all. let me say: false.

that is FALSE.

this verse completely blows that feeling out of the water.

you are known. you do belong. the God of the universe calls you by name. He calls you by the name that is intimate to Him. the name He knew you would have before your parents ever dreamed up the name and started stitching it on little pillows and blankets!

He knows you….the real you. you don’t have to hide behind the crazy, useless masks around Him. He knows your every thought, your every move before you even make it. you are known by the King. and not just known: He calls you.  He summons you by that name and when you go to Him, He reminds you that you are His. the fatherless have a Dad. the friendless have the perfect friend who will never use you, abuse you, forget you, leave you out, not have time for you. He summons you and whispers – You are Mine.

“do not be afraid, for I have ransomed you.
    I have called you by name; you are mine."

He has paid the price (ransom). not so one day we can die and be with Him. He calls us now and says you are Mine. sit there for just a second and think about the bigness of God….and now go read that verse again.

if that doesn’t make you feel all mushy, gushy and warm inside AMAZING, friend i don’t know what will.