i am mad. mad and sad. disappointed. frustrated. angry. bitter. you see..things are not going how i think they should be going. chris should have a job by now. he has a great network of coaches trying everything they can possibly do to get him a job. and not just at the school he has given his life to this past year but everywhere…anywhere. he student taught at that school in the fall and the guys took him in immediately as one of their own. then in the spring he stayed there and coached for free and substituted every now and then. they did everything they could to get him a job out there. when that wasn’t working they began to stick their necks out and call other schools and write letters of recommendations to get him a job somewhere.
but now it is june and nothing. no, not just nothing…doors slammed in our face. not just one or two doors either. a dozen or more. we literally had 4 doors slam in one day. they would say, “where were you last night? we hired him and there were only two applicants.” or “if cope (the head baseball coach) had called me monday, it would’ve been a done deal.” we had some schools not even give us a second look. it is hurtful and unbelievable. and honestly, at times it has literally felt like God is chasing us through a maze
i could drown in that question if i let it take over.
i am reminded of this song from my old jr high/high school days by indigo girls. i’m not a huge fan, but i love a few songs and they hold a special place in my heart because it was very first concert i ever went to in 6th grade. here are the lyrics of the entire song:
the thin horizon of a plan is almost clear. my friends and i have had a tough time: bruising our brains hard up against change all the old dogs and the magician. now i see we're in the boat in two by twos only the heart that we have for a tool we could use. and the very close quarters are hard to get used to love weighs the hull down with its weight. but the wood is tired and the wood is old, and we'll make it fine if the weather holds. but if the weather holds then we'll have missed the point that's were i need to go. no way construction of this tricky plan, was built by other than a greater hand with a love that passes all our understanding watching closely over the journey. yeah, but what it takes to cross the great divide seems more than all the courage i can muster up inside, but we get to have some answers when we reach the other side the prize is always worth the rocky ride. but the wood is tired and the wood is old, and we'll make it fine if the weather holds. but if the weather holds then we'll have missed the point that's where i need to go. sometimes i ask to sneak a closer look. skip to the final chapter of the book, and maybe steer us clear from some of the pain it took to get us where we are this far. but the question drowns in its futility and even i have got to laugh at me; ‘cause no one gets to miss the storm of what will be just holding on for the ride. the wood is tired the wood is old, and we'll make it fine if the weather holds. but if the weather holds then we'll have missed the point that's where i need to go.
“sometimes i ask to sneak a closer look. skip to the final chapter of the book”. that’s all i want. just a quick peek. i’ve been in this stage of not knowing for too long. it has been since this time last year when we were about to go into a semester of student teaching where we would be on my income alone AND pay for school in cash. we didn’t know where our next meal was going to come from some days. it was this wave after wave of unknown and no horizon in site. we thought when he graduated in december some of that would lighten; that he might get a teaching job for the spring if a teacher left which one or two usually does halfway through the year. december came and went…and nothing. we were still stuck in this limbo of the unknown. not knowing where God would take us. what job He had for us. then may came and chris started getting a little antsy. the guys told him to not start worrying until july. but we are in june. and nothing. sure it isn’t july, but it is june. God where are you? this is getting old. it is entirely too much to bear. or so it seems.
“no way construction of this tricky plan, was built by other than a greater hand with a love that passes all our understanding watching closely over the journey”. it seems like it is too much to bear, but it isn’t. i know my God and He won’t let me crumble. it might feel like i can’t take any more, but God is so gentle with us and does not treat us as we deserve. now we think we deserve a lot more than we do..like we are entitled for life to go exactly the way we want it: chris would’ve gotten a job at watson chapel as cope’s assistant. he would learn a ton and we’d still be here in white hall for the next 3 or 4 years. here with the family i have made in the 13 years i have lived here. here where my kids were born and have grown up. here beside my best friends. home. but that is a blog for another day.
i’m tired. i’m tired of not knowing.not knowing..you name it…not knowing if we should turn to the left or to the right. not knowing when we will find out. not knowing if we will make it to the end of the month on the money we have. yeah yeah i know God will provide. and i believe that deep in my core and have seen it more times than i can count, but sometimes it feels like nothing more than a platitude. i know He will provide, but GOOD GRIEF can i just take a look into that book and see what the final chapter of this season says? this not knowing is killing me! not knowing if we will have to uproot and go to a brand new place where the girls have no idea what to expect and we have no support base? not knowing if i have to be the sole supporter for another year. not knowing. i just want to know. the waiting is killing me. even to know that he isn’t going to have a coaching job and he has to find something else for this year. as hard as that would be..it would be better than this not knowing.
“but the wood is tired and the wood is old and we’ll make it fine if the weather holds. but if the weather holds then we’ll have missed the point.”
i am tired. It is getting old and i would be fine if this weather holds. june. we are in the eye of the storm. it has been a storm since last august. 10 months. i feel battered and bruised.
and something inside me whispers, “good.” say what? “good.” if i am never tried, how will i know if my faith can stand? it’s easy when everything is going my way, but to have the ship swaying to and fro and being nearly pitched out a dozen times…to get to the end of it and still be standing is a testimony in and of itself. not to my glory but to the Lord’s.
consider it a sheer gift, friends, when tests and challenges come at you from all sides. you know that under pressure, your faith-life is forced into the open and shows its true colors. so don’t try to get out of anything prematurely. let it do its work so you become mature and well-developed, not deficient in any way. james 1:2-4 (msg)
the niv says: consider it pure joy. i’m not sure that when you are in the thick of it, pure joy is possible. i think there are glimmers of hope, but wholly and completely full of pure joy…i have yet to really experience that during the trial.peace…yes. strength…yes. steadfastness…yes. faithfulness…yes. energy…yes. pure joy……crickets.
i think the pure joy comes when the storm begins to die down and you see how battered and bruised the ship is and how far you have come..not just in the journey but in you. you can really see what maturity the storm brought. in the midst of the storm..your true colors definitely do shine. the pure joy comes when you see that you fought the fight and made it out on the other side. wear and tear and all.
here i am now…it is the end of july. we were chased through that maze by the Lord. i have no doubt doors were shut for a purpose. in our human eyes they shouldn’t have been shut, but God knew what lay behind every single door. most of y’all know the ending: chris got an interview monday june 17th…it was the first bite. and it really isn’t an ending at all, but a glorious beginning! long story short: he got the job he has wanted for years. he gets to start small and make a name for himself. there’s more to say, but that is not the point.
“sometimes i ask to sneak a closer look. skip to the final chapter of the book, and maybe steer us clear from some of the pain it took to get us where we are this far. but the question drowns in its futility and even i have got to laugh at me cause no one gets to miss the storm of what will be. just holding on for the ride.”
no one gets to miss the storm. if we did…our faith life true colors couldn’t show up and we wouldn’t become mature and well-developed. i don’t know about y’all, but i want this. do i like how it has to happen? negatory good buddy, but neither do i want to be deficient in any way.
pure joy..i am working that part out. for now, i’m just holding on for the ride.
