fear: a distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil, pain, etc., whether the threat is real or imagined
we all have fears. all of us. they start when we are little bitty kids. we are afraid of the dark. we are scared of monsters under our beds or in our closets. for me it was alligators on the floor – you never saw a kid fly so fast from the bathroom to the bed. we are scared of going to sleep and having that nightmare again.
they grow into bigger or “more mature” fears in elementary school: the fear of being picked last in gym class. we fear that when our friends are whispering they are talking about us. we are afraid of what people think about the shoes we got from kmart and our hand-me-down jeans.
as we grow older the fears change: we get scared when grades start to count in 9th grade. we fear that we won’t get into college or that when we get there we will have no friends. the fears continually get deeper: fears that something is not quite right with our parents’ marriage, that our brother won’t ever get over his partying phase, our sister won’t ever like us again (sidenote: it took moving out of the state for mine and me to finally become friends –best ones at that. i would do it all over again if moving a state away is what it took!)
they graduate into more common fears: choosing the wrong major, we fear we will never find that knight in shining armor or worse: maybe he’ll see us first and ride away in the other direction. we fear we’ll never have kids, own that dream house, have a nice car, find that perfect job and the list could go on and on.
none of those are plaguing my thoughts today like this one is:
the fear of not mattering
let me explain. i absolutely do not have this fear at all when it comes to mattering to the Lord. God has given me a huge revelation of worth where He is involved. it took years, but this thick headed girl finally learned. in case someone here is struggling with this type of mattering, here is just a small glimpse from a past teaching:
God says, “let us make man”
i think this is so interesting. genesis 1:3 – let there be light. vs. 6 – let there be… vs. 20 let the water teem with living creatures… vs 24 – let the land produce living creatures….
then in vs. 26 – let us make man
God didn’t make man like the rest of the animals. He was letting the water teem and letting the land produce, but here…with man…He says let’s get hands on. let us make man
let’s jump to chapter 2:7 before we go on in vs. 26
7 the lord God formed the man from the dust of the ground
He got personally involved. His hands formed us. so far – everything had been created with His words, but now – He uses his hands and forms man from the dust of the ground. we saw that the animals were also from the ground, but God just let the land produce the animals. He got up close and personal when it came to us. and He went even further than that!!
let’s see how else He formed us in vs. 7
and breathed into His nostrils the breath of life, and the man became a living being.
He breathed into man. let’s not take this lightly. this same breath:
- causes the foundations of the earth to be laid bare (2 sam. 22:16)
- at the breath of God those who plow evil are destroyed (job 4:8-9)
- job also tells us that His breath causes the waters to freeze
- most importantly, 2 timothy 3:16 tells us all scripture is God-breathed
and i could go on.
in gen 2:7…He took his hands and formed us – purposefully, intentionally, every part of us. and He breathed His breath into us which caused us to come alive!
now let’s go back to gen 1:26
26 then God said, “let us make man in our image, in our likeness,
God made man unique – no other creature was made in the image of God. our lives bear the imprint or mark of God Almighty. He created us in His likeness. each person is a portrait of God. when He breathed into them and they opened their eyes, God was like a new dad saying – you look like me!
after God made man, the story changed. up until now, after He created things, it says “and He saw that it was good.” now, after man and woman it is “very good.” when God made adam and eve, He said – you’re the most beautiful thing I ever made! God loved them with all His heart. and they were lovely because He loved them. you see, God hasn’t made any mistakes. He has made us just the way we are and has declared that we are very good.
and i could go on..that was a fun teaching, but i’ll stop there. i’m a mom. i kinda get the overwhelming “i created you, you look like me, you are fearfully and wonderfully made” thing. you see, when it comes to God – i absolutely get that He loves me and i am his prized possession and He cares for me more than sparrows etc etc etc. He’s my dad and He loves me more than i can fathom. i know He will continue to give me more and more revelation about this, but for now i am good.
now i’ll tell you it does feel weird to praise God for me and tell Him how awesome His works..me…are…or is. whatever, you know what i’m saying. it feels weird and wrong and prideful and yet we are supposed to do just that.
however, where i mess up….where i have this fear of not mattering is when it comes to people. when it comes to thinking i am fearfully and wonderfully made, i’m not sure when it happens, but i inevitably take my focus off of the only One that matters – the One who actually made me – and i give weight to what others around me think.
i don’t think it is a 24/7 thing but i slip into this thinking when i least expect it. it is one of the reasons i drop out of social media from time to time. when i post something and am waiting to see how many like it or retweet it and then i try to top it with the next post i submit…that is unhealthy. i have to back up and remember that no one holds my worth except my Creator - my Heavenly Father – Dad.
here’s the thing: i work with youth. and like most of the workers in revolution, we don’t just work with youth on wednesday nights for 3 hours…we are pouring our lives into them outside of wednesday nights. you know…doing that whole discipleship thing Jesus taught us to do…but that is a different blog altogether.
like i was saying, i work with youth and in sharing life with them, it can sometimes feel like you are giving parts of yourself away. you are pouring into them all the wisdom God has given you through experience, studying the word, what God gives you the moment you open your mouth to counsel them, and sometimes just common sense. now over the years of doing this, especially to my seniors (whom i claim as mine because i’ve been with them since they were in 8th grade) it can really feel like you are drained completely dry. they are about to graduate and it literally feels like they will take these parts of me with them, and i can’t help but think…..have i mattered at all? don’t take this as a plea for someone to say, “of course you do”. that is not what i am hunting. i am trying to work this out of me.
i have spent countless hours counseling, laughing, crying, praying, and the like for 5+ years with some of them. will they remember? i mean when it is crunch time, will they remember a thing i have said? has any of it mattered? changed them? made them better people?
now i think this is where my flesh takes over., when i think about them remembering things I’ve said..the i is capitalized. i mean when i really trace the root of this fear of not mattering, i think it is all coming from a completely selfish and even prideful place. i am a person and like most people i don’t want to be just one who fits into a crowd that no one notices or remembers. well..sometimes i do, but with those i intentionally pour into and share life with – no. i don’t want to be forgotten. i want to be remembered…with fondness at that. i want to be remembered as someone special in their lives. i want them to recall things i’ve said in life group; the fun we’ve had every monday night for the last 4 years; the times we have just been hanging out playing cards or kinect; the things i have taught during a retreat or on wednesday night or during one-on-one discipleship.
but this is wrong. i don’t think it is wrong to want to be remembered, but honestly when i think about their relationship with Christ…shouldn’t it be only about what the Lord has taught them? who cares that i was the catalyst? will they remember Jesus when they are smack dab in the middle of college with hard decisions facing them daily? when they look back, i don’t want them to see me – i want them to see where Christ has taken them. what HE has taught them. how HE has counseled them, brought them joy, comforted them and interceded for them. HE not ME.
my focus is beginning to shift. just getting this out there on paper is so helpful. it makes it seem so silly and therefore easy to change.
fear: a distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil, pain, etc., whether the threat is real or imagined
it’s that last part. real or imagined. the fear of not mattering…it is imagined.
i matter. of course i matter. i matter to my Dad. He wants to use me..daily if possible to reach people. do i want them to remember me? absolutely. but this desire for them to cling to Christ and remember what He has taught them – that must get bigger. and the desire for them to remember me and how i influenced them – that must get smaller. like john the baptist said, “He (Jesus) must increase, but i must decrease.” the message says it: “this is the assigned moment for Him to move into the center, while i slip off to the sidelines.”
yes and amen.
